TITLE: Joe strikes back
AUTHOR: Christian
EMAIL: lonz@d.n-r-w.de
CATEGORY: Humor, Sam&Jack, Weird-AU
SPOILERS: 2010
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Jack must rescue the love of his live from a raving mad man called Joe ...
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Yes, please!
Home: Stargate Atlantis Pandora
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I dedicate this story to all members of the sam&jack-mailinglist. I love you all!
Joe strikes back
Background
The Cult of Samantha
A secret order that has spread over planet Earth, the whole galaxy and a lot of closely related AUs (alternate universes). The Cult gave up its orignial plan to take over the world and now concentrates fully on its new aim to get Sam and Jack together, spending all its resources to achive it. It worships the Goddess of the Sunshine-Smiles - Samantha Carter.
The Tok'tok'ra
Another secret order who plans to destroy the Tok'ra or at least their reputation and - as as secondary objective - get Sam and Jack together. To achive this two objectives, the Tok'tok'ra often teams up with the Cult of Samantha and also draws from the inventions of an excellent staff of technicans. The following are just the most famous inventions: The second Stargate, the Quantum-mirror and the Zay'tarc-programming. The Tok'tok'ra prefer to worship Jack O'Neill.
The Noromos
The Noromos are the unchallenged rulers of the NG (netgroups) and sometimes are called NGs because of it, even though this is to big a generalisation. This powerfull organisation consists wholy of heartless, battle proven soldiers who know nothing else in their lives than fighting and team-spirit. Some say that the Noromos are backed up by the Slashers, but both of them put that off as pure rumor.
The Slashers
The Slashers are a secret order who wants to completely exchange heterosexual relationships with homosexual ones. For reasons unknown they decided SG-1 to become one of their primary target. In some AUs their method of bendig the truth until it breaks apart has already shown some frightening success.
TPTB
This is an abbreviation for "The powers that be" and means a very powerful band of wise old men who are in posession of the power to alter reality at will. With this great power comes also great responsibility and TPTB always walk a thin line between triumph and damnation. What goals TPTB are really following remains a well hidden secret, but it is widely belived that they try to keep all the other powerfull groups in the universe at bay to ensure a nervous balance of power.
****
When Jack entered Samantha Carters laboratory, he found her working. No surprises here! he thought grimmly. She was half buried in a gigantic apperatus showing him her tasty backside. Jack hesitated. What if she said no once again? How often did he had to go trough this? Somehow she sensend his presense and crawled out of the machine to turn and face him. "How long have you been standing there, Sir?" she asked with a cunny smile.
"Uh, I didn't want to interrupt you ..."
"What's up?" She looked at him almost as if she wasn't aware of what he was about to say to her.
"Whatcha think? Whole team on leave. Daniel and Janet off to god nows where. Teal'c visiting his family. And I do what like best."
"Going fishing?"
"No. Ask you to go fishing with me."
Her smile grow sad: "I would really like to, but I got work here that cannot be delayed."
"Nonsense!" Jack replied. "Holiday - do you actually know what that is? You go out and do stuff that hasn't anything to do with work. To get some REST."
"Sir, this here does not feel like work for me."
"I know." Jack shrugged with resignation and turned to leave. "I will leave tomorrow morning, just in case you change your mind." Than he had left the laboratory. I almost looked like a hasty retreat.
Sam felt a cold empty hollow in her guts. "Jack", she wispered. Then she plucked up any courage she had left, put aside her tools and run after her CO.
She catched up with him in the corridor: "Colonel!"
Jack stopped dead in his tracks and turned around with a sly grin: "Deja Vu?"
"Deja Vu."
"Deja Vu!"
"Sir, I ..."
"Ah! Don't say anything. You're sorry, but your work is more important to you than this nice little lake in western Minnesota ..."
"Uh, no ..."
"What?"
"I mean yes. I would like to accept your offer, Sir!"
"Really?" Jack had a hard time trying to cover up his uprising feelings. Within he was rejoicing, but on the outside he tried to stay as calm as possible. "Great. We will leave tomorrow morning at ..."
And then Sam was beamed away by an Asgard transport beam
***
"I will punch the living daylights out of this tiny grey alien ..."
"Colonel!" General Hammond interrupted with playful seriousness. "I understand that you don't like being denied of your holidays, but I'm sure that Thor would not have taken her away without proper reasons."
"You're right, Sir" Jack grumbeled. "But do we know for sure that it was Thor? Did he send a message?"
"Not yet. I just hope it doesn't has to do with some more unexpected problems on board of his ship. Sometimes I get a feeling as if the Asgard need our help more than we need theirs."
"We have to call back Daniel and Teal'c."
"I did not leave yet, Colonel O'Neill," Teal'c replied while entering the Generals office. After a sign by Hammond he took a seat.
"That's strange. It looked to me as if you couldn't await being with your family again."
"That is correct, O'Neill. But in the past I experienced that often shortly after I left something happend that required my imediate return. So this time I decided to wait here for a few hours."
"Wow, Teal'c, I can't believe it. You became one hell of a cynic."
The Jaffa just raised an eyebrow an then turned to General Hammond: "Do we have news from the Asgard regarding the disappearance of Major Carter?"
"Unfortunately no, Teal'c. All we can do is ..."
A loud alarm sound interrupted the General. "Unauthorized offworld activation" the loudspeaker barked, and the three men were already on their feet heading for the control room.
"This also does not come unexpected." Teal'c said.
***
"Signal encoded. It is Bra'tac, Sir!"
"Open the iris. Full alert!"
"Sir!" Teal'c objected, "regarding to our latest revealings Master Bra'tac is dead."
"I know, Teal'c. But as long as we don't know for sure I'm willing to take the risk."
In the meantime the iris had opend up and the blue glow of the event horizon became visible. The waves parted and two figures in long blue robes stepped out. Behind them the Gate closed. Everyone was staring at the smaller person, that opend the hood of its robe and the face of a human being with metallic blue skin became visible. On his forehead he bore a symbol similar to that of Teal'c. Jack expected to see the glowing eyes and the the deep voice of a Goa'uld, but when the guy opend his mouth, they heard the normal voice of a human who spoke with a strange dialect: "Praise the Goddess of the Sunshine Smiles! We are here with the permission of Master Bra'tac. I have to speak with Jack O'Neill regarding the kidnapping of Samantha Carter imediately."
***
The strangers had been checked thoroughly and classified as not dangerous. Now they sat with General Hammond, Jack and Teal'c in the briefing room. With them were four armed soldiers who never took an eye off them. The smaller one of the two men, who had introduced himself as the High Priest of the Cult of Samantha, had arrived unarmed, whilst the other - a gigant of a man - had handed over his two Zat'n'ktel which he wore in his belt.
The giant, who seemed to be some kind of bodyguard, radiated an utter calmness and hadn't said a word yet. The other visitor was pacing the room and spoke like a waterfall.
"We don't know yet how the enemy managed to take over Thors new ship, but we suspect that it has to do with the Asgards self reliance in their own technology. Probably Thor and his crew run into a tricky trap set up by TS and one of her evil inventions."
"What does TS mean?" Jack wanted to know.
"TS means Tok'ra Spice, the code name of the very dangerous Tok'ra Anise."
General Hammond was astonished: "So far we thought Anise to be a reliable ally. No wait ... let me correct myself. So far we thought Anise to be an ally. She is a member of the Tok'ra, isn't she?"
"Yes and no. She's a member of the Tok'ra, that's right. But she also follows her own goals, especially after Jack dumped her."
"Excuse me?" General Hammond was more and more astonished by the minute.
"Uh, well. I wouldn't call it dumping," Jack tried to explain. "Let me put it this way: She made a pass at me while I was held in custody as a supposed Sanex. You can imagine that I wasn't in the right mood to ... not that I would be now. You know how I think about the Tok'ra."
"Well," the High Priest continued, "TS feels a little different about this matter and teamed up with Joe to sabotage the Sam-and-Jack-relationship."
"The Sam-and-Jack ..." General Hammond began, but Jack interrupted him.
"Who's Joe?"
"That's a long story. Let me put it this way: Joe was Sams husband and she betrayed him with you. And now he wants to pay you back for that."
"You mean Carter was married with this guy? Here on Earth?"
"Yes and no. He's from an alternative Earth. From a future alternative Earth. From an alternate universe that should have been but never happend. He feels - betrayed. The anger of a whole live lasts on him. He literaly made a pact with the devil to get his revenge."
General Hammond was frowning: "So let me summarize the facts: this Joe had a relationship with Samantha Carter in an alternate universe, which fell apart because of Jack O'Neill. And now he tries to take revenge in this universe?"
"Right."
"Why? I mean, why didn't he tooke revenge in his own universe? In this universe his revenge is without meaning, because our Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill do not have a relationship ..."
"In his own universe Sam and Jack are dead. So he can't take revenge there."
"And why in the name of god did he choose our universe?"
"Our universe replaced his own, in which he married Sam, which is not going to happen now."
"The notice", Teal'c said. "The piece of paper with Colonel O'Neills blood on it."
"Exactly. The notice is from the future. By not going to that planet you changed the future so this marriage is never going to happen."
"I can't believe that Carter would marry such an asshole." Jack muttered angryly. "And what does he want to do with her now?"
"He's on his way to the Planet of Happiness to marry her there."
"The Planet of Happiness?"
"Yes. The people there have some really ... uncommon marriage laws. An offical marriage only needs the consent of one spouse."
"So what? According to our own law the marriage would be void, and that's all what matters, right?"
"Well, not exactly. The ceremony includes the merging of the married people to gurantee a happy marriage."
"What kind of merging?"
"The hearts of the two spouses are connected to a symbiotic organism. When the heart of one partner stopps beating, the other one will beat no longer, too."
"Devilish."
"After that the couple use to have sex to ensure the soon arrival of descendants."
"Okay, that's enough." Jack jumped out of his seat. "We have to go to this Planet of Happiness ASAP and get Carter out of the hands of this crazy man. Sir?"
"I understand your eagerness, Colonel. But we have no idea what awaits us. We don't even know what defense systems this Joe has put up, not to mention the fact that he's hidding on board of an Asgard ship."
The High Priest cleared his throat. "General, I'm in possession of a device that will help us to get over these difficulties." He took a black writing case out of his robe. It was labled "Joe strikes back" in big white letters.
"What's that?"
"That is the Script, a mighty artefact which can alter the course of events. That's pretty easy." He opend the case and made some modifications with a red pen. Then he smiled and spoke to the General again: "Now it says that you will approve a mission to that planet."
"I will approve a mission to that planet." General Hammond said. "The rest of SG-1 will go there with the ... High Priest and free Major Carter by any means necessary. Do we know the coordinates of the planet?"
"Unfortunately there is no Stargate on that planet", the High Priest answered. "So we have to use a space ship. Such a ship stands ready on the planet of our patroness."
"Your patroness?"
"Queen AQ."
"And what does AQ mean?"
"You don't wanna know."
***
They couldn't find Daniel anywhere so the decision was made to do the mission without him. The High Priest had entered the secrect coordinates of P6X6969 and they had journeyed to Achafalaya, where Queen AQ had her palace.
The Queen was a very friendly hostess and Jack was the main target of her hospitality. If the closing ceremony (in which the men were coated with chocolate sauce and licked clean by her majesty) really based on an ancient tradition of her planet can be doubted. She entrusted them with her space ship without hesitation, but insisted on reading the Script and making some adjustments.
When Jack saw the ship that would bring them to the Planet of Happiness, he was pleasantly surprised. It had a length of about a hundred feet, a streamlined shape with two bird-like wings and a powerful drive. It looked edged and elegant at the same time, which gave it quite a brutal appearance.
At the ship three women in pilots uniforms waited for them. The youngest stepped forward and made the sign of the Cult of Samantha, the Rays of the Sun: "Praise! I'm Angel Star, pilot of the Sunray. The others are Neth, my scientific officer and Lyn, Communications."
Proudly she pointed at the ship behind her: "Nice, isn't it? This will be our home for the next two days."
Teal'c was impressed: "I haven't seen this design before."
"Doesn't look like your usual Goa'uld flying box", O'Neill agreed, "looks a little klingon-like."
"So it does, doesn't it? It is also heavyly armoured, armed and equipped with a cloaking device. Everything we need to blow the life out of this bastard and his grunts."
"Well then. Let's go!"
***
The control displays cover the brigde of the Sunray and her crew and passengers in a green glow. To call it a "brigde" has a little of an overstatement - it is more like a big cockpit that holds enough space for all seven members of the rescue team.
Jack (at the High Priest): "You're not really human, are you?"
High Priest: "What makes you think so?"
Jack: "Well, the blue skin and stuff ..."
High Priest: "Oh, that! Well, we made some gen-physiological adjustments who allow us to exist in may different alternate realities."
Jack (surprised): "You're not originating from this universe?
Stalker: "No, but from a very similar one."
Teal'c: "Are we still in our own universe?"
High Priest: "That's not that easy to tell. You know, every second sees the birth of a thousand new universes. And every time you make a decision, you decide for one of these. If you look at it this way you're always in your own universe, where-ever it might be."
Teal'c: "I see."
Jack: "Really?"
Teal'c: "Is Master Bra'tac still alive in your universe?"
High Priest: "Yes, he is. And not only in our own. He told me to greet you. He hopes to see you again soon."
Neth: "We're almost there. Get ready for re-entry."
*Silence*
Jack: "What is the Cult of Samantha?"
High Priest: "A secret organisation."
Jack: "And what are you doing all day long?"
High Priest: "That's a secret."
Jack: "Can I become a member?"
*High Priest and Stalker exchange meaningfull looks*
High Priest: "He wants to become a member!"
Stalker: "Yeah. Seems so."
High Priest: "All right then. The first rule of the Cult of Samantha is: Nobody talks about the Cult of Samantha ..."
The space ship re-enters into the normal spacetime. A big blue planet fills the center view. In front of it a huge Asgard-mothership can be seen - the Samantha.
High Priest: "Wow! It is ... big."
Lyn (reading sensory data): "Lenght 33090 feet. diameter 4530 feet. A giant."
Jack (dreamily): "It is beautiful."
High Priest (smiling): "Of course it is. Angel, get us to the main hangar."
Angel: "And how do we get the hangar doors to open up?"
High Priest (waving the Script in his hands): "The code is written in here!"
Teal'c: "It seems to me this crafty artefact serves no other purpose than to fill the enormous plot holes."
***
They had sucessfully landed in the main hangar. While the crew of the Sunray stayed on board to hold the Asgard sentinel drones at bay, the four men made their way into to Asgard-mothership. Now they were standing in front of a big control panel which the High Priest was working on. Suddenly the panel came to live and the High Priest grunted with triumph.
"The wedding takes place in the great meeting room. But to get there we have to pass through a sector that is partly flooded with cooling water. It's going to be wet."
"Hey, wait a minute," Jack told the High Priest. "This is highly advanced Asgard-technology, isn't it? How comes you know how to manipulate that technology?"
"Hm. Maybe it's the Mary Sue effect ..."
"Are you able to order the ship to suck up the cooling water then?" Teal'c asked.
"Good idea!" The High Priest started to work on the controls once more, but after a few minutes he gave up. "No way. The Mary Sue effect seems not to be that strong, I'm afraid ..."
"Well then, looks like we have to take a swim", said Jack and slowly began to take off his uniform shirt...
***
The High Priest broke through the surface of the water and struggled for air. He had not expected this voyage to be that exerting, by the Natu! He swam to the edge of the flooded room where Teal'c fished him out of the water with one fluent move.
"It seems to me that you are not wholy prepared for this kind of physical action."
"Thanks, Teal'c, that's exactly what I needed."
"You're welcome."
They were standing in the only corner of the room that wasn't completely flooded by water. They were wearing only their trousers and carrying their weapons, and had left all the other equipment behind. The only way further into the ship consisted of one narrow corridor.
"This way ..."
A shot was sounding through the corridor and the four men instinctively took a dive.
"Well, that sounded like an MP5", said Jack. "Could this be our own guys?"
"Unfortunately no", the High Priest answered, "these are Noromos."
"Noromos?"
"An enemy secret organisation", Stalker explained.
"And they are using MP5s? Why?"
"Maybe they think it's cool?"
A loud voice came from the other side of the corridor: "You're trapped. Come out with raised hands, or we will pump you full of lead."
"Damn, what are we doing now?"
"To turn back will not help us. They probably have us cornered allready."
"There's only one chance ..."
Another shot was fired and again the voice could be heard: "You have ten seconds to surrender. After that we will shot to kill."
Jack was getting impatient: "Okay, what chance are you talking about?"
The High Priest explained it to him.
"You must be out of you stupid mind!"
"It's our only chance."
Jack threw Teal'c a questioning look.
"Asuming this is the only possible solution, we should try it."
"Oh for crying out loud!" Jack complained. Then he yelled into the corridor: "Okay! We're coming! We surrender!"
He and Teal'c put their weapons down and slowly entered the corridor. No shot sounded. Soon the two warriors from earth stood in front of the Noromos - ten hardened soldiers, every one of them standing about 7 feet high and armed to the teeth.
The leader of the gang gave them a triumphant look. "Good. Come over here, slowly. Keep your hands raised. No tricks, or we will blow your lights out!"
Jack and Teal'c keeped their hands raised and looked at each other. No tricks? This would going to be tough.
When they were thirty feet from the Noromo-soldiers, Jack stopped in his tracks. Teal'c did likewise.
"What the hell? Keep moving!"
"I gonna kill this poor little preacher for doing this to me ", Jack grumbled. And then he threw himself into the arms of Teal'c and gave him a passionate kiss. The Jaffa pulled the Colonel close to himself and responded wholeheartedly to O'Neills caressing. So they stood there for half a minute, their bodies wrapped around each other, until Jack couldn't take it anymore. He pulled back from the embrace and turned around to look at the Noromos. What he saw astonished him.
The hard soldiers had nothing hard on them any more. Their masks had fallen down and under them lovely women became visible, all drooling with mad grins on their faces. Teal'cs and Jacks performance must have ripped their minds apart.
"Marvelous!" The High Priest came out of his hiding place. "Slashers! They are all Slashers! Give them two exciting men who comfort each other and their cover blows like a ballon!"
Stalker nudged one of the Slashers and she just collapsed to the floor. "They have suffered from some serious kind of shock. Pose no thread anymore."
"Uh, Teal'c ..." Jack began.
"We did what was necessary to solve the situation," Teal'c answered.
"Yes ... exactly."
"Apart from that let me asure you that you are a fabulous kisser, O'Neill. Major Carter will be most pleased."
"--- ???"
Suddenly another person stepped into the room and the four men turned around to face it. It was a ten year old boy in a Galactic Rangers power armour.
"Damn!" the High Priest shouted. "An Anise-Jack-Shipper!"
They all dived for cover, when the first laser bolt came in. Aimed far to heigh it only hit the ceiling and tore a considerable hole in it. More laser bolts came and the air was filled with smoke and metall dust.
"Hey, Stalker, I thought you eliminated all Anise-Jack-Shippers?" the High Priest asked angryly.
"What do you want me to do?" the assassin answered. "Shoot a ten year old boy? You go and do it yourself!"
"Yeah, I see your point." the High Priest agreed. "I'm sorry, Donald. So what do we do now?"
"Let me handle this. I have a card up my sleeve for exactly this situation", Stalker said with a grin and indeed he took a gaming card from his pocket, that glittered enigmaticly.
"What is that?"
"Do you know anything? This here is an ultra-rare Pokemon card. And now watch and learn!"
Stalker stood up and held the gaming card like a protecting shield in front of him. The boy in the Galactic Rangers power armour ceased his fire imediately.
"You see what I'm holding in my hand here?" Stalker shouted. "This is a Glurak, limited edition. You can have it when you let us pass!"
The boy hesitated for just a few seconds. Then he greedily ripped the card out of Stalkers hands and scuttled into a corner of the room to admire his new precious.
"That was brilliant!" The High Priest was full of praise, but his master assassin just shrugged: "Belive me, if you would have to deal with those kids more often, you would have known too."
They were just about continuing their journey, when someone else stepped into their way.
"So what's it this time?" Jack asked dryly. And then he was shocked with recognisation.
There just in front of him stood Martouf. Or to put it into the right words: the poor remains of what was once Martouf. He moved helplessly like Frankensteins monster and a big part of his head consisted of a metallic box with an antenna.
"It seems his brain is gone." Teal'c said.
"His strenght seems not to have suffered from it." Jack rattled out of his throat. Martouf had grabbed him and was tightenig his grip around the Colonels windpipe. Behind the zombie another person came into view which every one of them recognised in an instant.
"Anise! What the Natu did you do to Martouf?"
The Tok'ra grinned devilish and held up a big remote control: "+++I made him pliable. And the same is going to happen to all of you.+++"
In the very same moment a shot echoed through the room and the remote control shatterred into a thousand pieces. Martouf let loose of Jack and fell straight to the ground. Jack too fell onto his knees and struggled for air. Anise just stood there with an open mouth and seemed not to believe her eyes.
The High Priest turned around to the place where the shot has come from but was only able to make out a dark figure which made for a hasty retreat. "It looks as if our friends of the Tok'tok'ra send out some commandos of their own."
Anise slowly stepped backwards from the angry men and her voice was now that of Freya: "I'm sorry for Anise's bad behaviour. I hope you will not hold me responsible for it!"
"Enough of this hiding behind your host each time it comes in handy!" Jack shouted. "This time we *will* hold you - both of you - fully responsible!"
He grabbed for the Tok'ra but she activated a device at the back of her hand and vanished from his view.
"Damn! She's gotten away again."
A sizzling made them turn around. It was Martouf, who slowly dissolved into nothing.
"Maybe some kind of self destruction."
"Poor Martouf", Jack said. "That's a fate he did not deserve."
The High Priest said nothing, but by reading his eyes one could tell that he did not agree with Jack on this issue.
"Come on! We already lost a lot of precious time. We have to hurry if we want to rescue Sam!"
***
Everything was prepared. Sam and Joe were connected to the wedding machine. The witnesses for the marriage, high officals from the Planet of Happiness, had gathered and the priestess started the wedding ceremony.
"Joe ... uhm. Just Joe. Do you want to take Samantha Carter as your rightful wife, in this live and the next?"
"Yes, I do."
"Samantha Carter. Do you want to take Joe as your rightful husband, in this live and the next?"
"No. Of course not!"
"So be it. Now your're married." The priestess gave a nod to her assistant and he activated the merging mechanismn. With a low hum the machine came to live and bright flashes sparkled through the married couple.
"No!!!" Jack left all caution behind and stormed right into the room.
Joe wirled around and disconnected himself and the completely surprised Sam from the wedding machine. An evil grin crossed his disfigured features - it looked as if he was prepared for an interruption like this. He draw a pistol and held Sam as a living shield in front of him.
Jack stopped death in his tracks: "Man, your one ugly ..."
"Har Har Har! Nobody can stop me. Now she's mine! Mine alone!!!"
In his cover the High Priests cursed himself for being to late: "Damn! Damn! Damn! This makes us look really bad. What do we do now?"
"How about splitting up?" Stalker asked.
"Yes, that's it! We gonna split up!"
***
Slowly Joe came back to his senses. Where was he? What had happend? He had seen two shadows closing in on him from both sides and fired his gun. Sam had been dead at once, after that he was knocked down himself. Now two blue skinned men carried him trough a corridor of the Asgard ship. In the distance he could hear a low humming.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Your worst nightmare", one of them answered.
"Sam is dead. You buggers! Wait ..." Joe was hesitating. "I was merged with her. Why am I still alive?"
"You forgot about the 30 minutes of delay until the device in your heart is activated and makes it stop beating. I've heard it's a pretty painful death."
"And where do you bring me?"
"We came to the conclusion that there is an even more painful way to die. And we don't want to miss it out", one of them answered.
"So we are going to throw you into the reactor", the other added.
***
Slowly Sam came back to her senses. Where was she? What had happend? She had seen two shadows closing in on her from both sides and had thrown herself to the ground. Joe had fired his gun and missed her by a few centimeters. After that he was hit by a couple of Zat-gun shots. One of this shots had knocked her unconscious. Now she lay in Jacks arms: "Sir! What happend? Who do you get here?"
"That's a long story", Jack answered with a soft voice. Angryly he looked up to the High Priest and his master assassin: "You almost got her killed, you maniacs!"
The High Priest answered with smile: "It must look like it from your Point of View. But from our perspective ...", he pointed at himself and Stalker, who was busy checking the remains of Joe, " ... it looked a whole less of a problem."
"Hey, Boss", Stalker said, "he's still alive."
"Oh, really." The High Priest leaned down to Joe: "You want to say something before we put your miserable life to an end?"
Joe laughted with pure evilness: "Yes! I die, but by killing me you also sealed the fate of Samantha. You, Jack, will have to live forever with the fact that you delivered your beloved to certain death. Now my revenge is complete!"
With this Joe draw the last breath of his live and lay death.
"He's right! We have only 30 minutes left! What do we do now?"
"Hm ... the wedding machine! We merge Sam with someone else!"
They lifted Sam up and hurried to the machine. The witnessess of marriage had made for a hasty retreat in the meantime. Only the priestess from the Planet of Happiness still stood there and seemed to consider what to do next. Stalker took the decision from her.
"You do the same ceremony one more time and I let you live. Okay?"
"Okay! Okay! But this can be dangerous. Whoever chooses to be merged with her has to do this wholeheartedly. Otherwise the procedure will end with the death of both partners ..."
The High Priest stepped forward: "I volunteer!"
In the same moment something big hit him on the back of his head and he slumped to the ground unconcious.
"I will do it", Jack said.
"Then let's go!"
***
Epilogue
Angel was smiling all over her face: "Colonel O'Neill, Major O'Neill. I'm glad too see you both alive and unharmed and congratulate you to your marriage. The ship that will fly you to your honeymoon on Achafalaya is ready to go."
Happyly Jack pressed the woman of his dreams close to himself: "I love you, Sam!"
"Make love to me, Jack!"
"Excuse me?"
Sam had a shocked expression on her face: "Did I just say that?"
Jack was smiling. This was one alternate universe of his liking ...
***
Epilogue II
Two men are on their way to the bridge of the Samantha. The bigger one is supporting the smaller one, who is holding a big bump on the back of his head.
High Priest: "He knocked me down!"
Stalker: "It's alright, Boss ..."
High Priest: "But ... Hey! He just hit me from behind onto my ..."
Stalker: "Yeah, yeah! I saw it! I was there, remember?"
High Priest (sulking): "And you did not felt obliged to help me?"
Stalker (meaningfull look): "You're not serious about this?"
High Priest (thinks about it): "Hm ... no. Not really."
***
Epilogue III
The priestess of the Planet of Happiness looked around. When she was sure that no-one was watching, she began to take off her piest robes. Under it some skin tight assassin clothes became visible. Kris, First Assassin of the Tok'tok'ra, looked down at the robes with a smile. The wedding machine the Tok'tok'ra had developed had done an even better job at getting Sam and Jack together than the Zay'tarc programming ...